- I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.
- Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
- In Hollywood, Oscar is king.
- There is no off position on the genius switch.
- You know, they don't give these shows to chimps!
- Show me squid!
- We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.
- [Jay Leno on Letterman] "Dave is one of the few performers who can say something real vicious and have it come across as a cute aside."
- "Each and every Thursday night, we like to go out in the audience of the Ed Sullivan Theater to play America's fastest growing quiz sensation, Know Your Current Events".
- If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
- I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.
- I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!
- The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!
- There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
- [on his move to the Westinghouse-owned CBS television network[] "I now have a lifetime's supply of light bulbs."
- [on being called a non-voting Republican] "I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American."
- If it weren't for Johnny [Johnny Carson], I'd have no career.
- The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
- It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
- [on becoming a father for the first time at 56] "By the time the child has trouble in life, you know, I'll be dead. I'll be long gone. By the time the kid's out stealing cars, you know, Dad will be dead a few years."
- [on his close friend Jay Leno in 1986] "'Jay's a master at getting the audience on his side. He's able to communicate the idea that 'Shouldn't we, as a group, think this is absurd?' You immediately feel like he's your ally".
- [on his first show after the September 11th terrorist attacks] "It's said they were motivated by religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?"
- [about the type of guests he likes] "I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for."
- [on dealing with cold winters] Here's a tip: take your boxer shorts and put them in the microwave. It's a tip I learned from Rosie O'Donnell.
- [following an Islamist threat against his life] Tonight, you people are more than an audience. You're more like a human shield.
- [to Lady Gaga] When I was your age, I had a paper route.
- [on interviewing Donald Trump]He'd sit down, and I would just start making fun of him. He never had any retort. He was big and doughy, and you could beat him up. He seemed to have a good time, and the audience loved it, and that was him beyond that, I remember a friend in the PR business told me that he knew for a fact that he would never run for president; he was just monkeying around for the publicity. So I assumed that was the story and now it turns out he's the president.
- [2022, on the Will Smith-Chris Rock Oscars incident compared to his hosting in 1995]: All I can say, and say what you will, read what you will, think what you will about my performance the night I hosted the Academy Awards. But, and here's my point, no one got hit. No one was hit that night that I hosted. That's all I have to say. God bless America. God bless the Academy Awards.
- In Dublin, I am so much more popular than U2. I think that's my biggest takeaway.
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