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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)
Worst Movie Ever?
I can't believe this movie has the following it has. Shame on the world. I don't care what age you are-no one should stand for this insult to the medium of film. The human race has hit a new low. The special FX, the dialog, the characters, the goth hipster look that all the characters sport, Pattinson's syrupy pillow talk, Stewarts' total lack of acting chops-it all adds up to a stinking piece of feces. I might gouge my eyes out after I write this review actually. Actors used to be my heroes. Not anymore. Forget all those self-serving prima-donnas. The razzies were sooooo right on this one. Facinelli noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sheen no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Just awful
Am I the only person who hated this movie? Am I the only one that noticed the horrible script, the tired clichés, the bad acting, ridiculous plot (even for a comic book film), the extras laughing in the middle of massive battle scenes??????? I noticed that the IMDb rating is a 9.2 cumulative. Are you people smoking crack???? Nothing happens for the first 2 hours!!!! Sooooo boring! If the script was good or if the movie had great ideas, I wouldn't mind at all. I am no slave to action. I loved Inception and Memento. It's the little things that killed this movie. Michael Caine uses a cockney accent that is a complete departure from his accent in the first 2 films. It was painfully apparent that Hathaway/Catwoman is only in the film to get women in the theaters. Bane cries at the end??? Are you kidding me? I could go on and on. Bane's voice is way too loud even though Tom Hardy does a great job. Gordon-Levitt has nothing to work with script wise. Bale looks tired and bored. Just like me after I had to endure this gruelingly boring 3 hour piece of crap.
Prometheus (2012)
Epic Fail
Where do I begin? The awful casting? (Fassbender is the lone exception) Horrible script? Muddled plot? A myriad of Clichés? No I think I'll start with the concept-which makes absolutely no sense. Riddle me this-If Ridley Scott didn't want to make another Alien movie, then why connect it to Alien at all? Either give us Aliens or give us an original film. I would be equally excited about either possibility. Why tell an origin story if you are going to make it line up only on certain points but not all? The Alien from the original film holds no bearing whatsoever on the plot and its' execution. So why include it???? Money? I can't think of any other reason. Back to the top. The casting is awful. Rapace, while looking strangely similar to Sigourney, has nothing to work with I'll admit (horrible script), but she didn't help by turning in a very average performance. I didn't care about her character at all. The script is rife with clichés and where is the hard science??? Nothing brought up in the 1st half of the film is resolved by the end either. What we get is a muddled mess of a film that has no real substance. I laughed when I saw the worst film mistake of all time repeated again and again by hundreds of film-makers-you know, where some giant thing is falling on the actors and all they have to do is run right or left to avoid death but they keep running straight along the objects' path? Grrrrrrrr...this is elementary stuff. Horrible film mistake #2-Characters committing suicide without a thought and with a smile on their face. I just don't get this movie cliché'. (See Michelle Rodriguez' death in Avatar). Despite mind-blowing set pieces and an epic turn by Fassbender, this film disappoints beyond belief. I couldn't care less if they made a sequel. Oh yes, and there is zero character development. Rapace is the only one who gets 5 minutes of a past to add weight to her character. And look, I don't want to hear that "an artist doesn't have to spoon-feed the audience" crap. You can only get away with that type of story telling if the characters have meat. I say again where is the hard science??? You want to claim you made a sophisticated film but you keep it dumbed down??? I'm so confused. And don't you dare compare this to Blade Runner. The characters in that film are fully developed, and there is a clear direction to the plot. Not so here. Epic, epic fail.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (2011)
an amazing effort completely wasted by 2 huge mistakes
My Lord this COULD have been the greatest RPG ever but two things ruin it all. Number 1, the hand to hand combat is atrociously bad on all levels. Clumsy, slow, and predictable, you will feel a total lack of control over whatever fight you are in. What's the use of having created this beautiful, massive world to frolic in if the most basic element of action games-combat-is a failure? It's like building the Sistine Chapel and putting in a dirt floor.
Problem 2-You will die a lot and quite quickly at that. I had been playing for ten days-some 30-40 hours and I would get killed by anything stronger than a wolf. The amount of health you get is insanely minuscule. I upgraded my health every time I leveled up and it doesn't do squat. My giant barbarian with a War Axe apparently can't take down a simple troll even after 40 hours of play and numerous level-ups. The other problem is obtaining health vials-there are never enough to realistically get you through a fight. The shop keepers are one of the only ways to get these vials. You go to buy some and they never have more than 2 or 3. And, guess what? Two or three might as well be zero. You need 10 at least to get through many fights. Problem is, I have never been able to gather more than 6 or 7 at a time. What this leads to of course, is that you die ALL THE TIME.
It's too bad these 2 problems soil what is an amazing construct.
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
Best ending ever
This is one of those films that somehow falls through the cracks when people consider the best films of its' time. Perhaps because at the time (late 60's), sequels were less common, and considered "beneath" serious film. How sad this is because "Beneath" is a great ending to a mind blowing journey started in the first film. Arthur P. Jacobs should have stopped making Apes movies after this one. "Beneath" gives supreme closure to an enthralling story. Ted Post inherits the directing duties from the legendary Franklin Shaffner-no easy task considering the ground broken by Pt.1-and he fills in admirably, giving us an even darker and more violent film than the 1st. The ending is pure brilliance. Brutal, bloody and final, your jaw will be on the floor as the end credits roll. You won't ever in your life be able to wrap your head around the fact that this movie was rated "G"!!!!! Hands down this is the most violent and bloody "G" rated movie ever!!! While made for less money, which is apparent at times, the performances from James Franciscus and Maurice Evans, as well as the strong story telling skills of Post, make up for the cost cutting. This movie should be thought of as a companion piece to the Original and the subsequent 3 Apes films should be considered a completely separate canon. If you liked the original I implore you take one step further and see this conclusion to the odyssey began by Charlton Heston in the brilliant 1st installment.
Escape from New York (1981)
One of a kind
Let me say that I did not see this movie as a child, therefore there is no nostalgia factor influencing my review. I saw this in my 20's and it quickly became one of my all time top ten favorites. This is a truly unique film. It is pure popcorn fantasy and not to be taken too seriously, yet it has an undeniable edge. John Carpenter does not try to make the best action film ever here, but he gives us a solid film that copies no others. This movie is Kurt Russell's finest hour. He gives us an immortal character-Snake Plissken. One of the best anti-heroes to grace the screen, Snake is shrewd, tough, independent, and quite simply bad-ass to the nth degree. Two words-eye patch. His mission? To save the President, whose airplane has crashed in Manhattan which is now a Prison. Should I even have to tell you more? With a premise this ridiculous you know that it's got to be good, especially considering John Carpenter's talents. So, suspend all disbelief and just enjoy! Keep an eye out for a great turn by Lee Van Cleef and some character shadings from the always dependable Harry Dean Stanton. Adrienne Barbeau, Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes and Donald Pleasance round out the rest of the cast nicely. This film was made between Halloween and The Thing, which puts it in Carpenter's master canon of films-his Golden period if you will-and his use of music, sets, and mood is excellent here. If you want to see a guy with an eye patch searching for the President in a burned out New York war-zone then this is the movie for you! A true cult classic!!!
Kung Fu Panda (2008)
A paper thin and clichéd plot/script saved by superior animation
I watched this movie on the recommendation of a good friend. He absolutely loved this movie and as he hasn't steered me wrong before, I took his word for it and watched it. Boy did he let me down on this one. I will state the films' positives first.
The animation is gorgeous. It is a visual gold mine and on every level the movie looks FANTASTIC. Here endeth the positives.
And now for the negatives-
EVERYTHING ELSE about the film. Where do I start? How about Jack Black's character stumbling or falling down every two minutes of the film. This gimmick is so tired in children's films. The goofy, ugly duckling character bumping into a table and then starting a chain reaction of things falling apart around him and then he falls on his ass and something lands on his head has been used ad nauseum in most films like this. The plot, the script, and the characters are so thin that there is zero emotional impact when the villain and Kung Fu Panda meet in the finale. There is no sense of danger whatsoever in regard to the villain. WARNING HERE BE SPOILERS All of the characters are freaking out all through the movie that the villain (a completely wasted effort from the fantastic Ian McShane) is going to kill everybody. He kills no one and Kung Fu Panda dispatches him easily in the end. Which, considering that KFP has zero Karate skill until a montage gives it to him is laughable. Every Disney cliché you can think of is on display here-from the Ugly Duckling to the goofy supporting characters to the "Just believe in yourself" pep talks from the wiser older characters. Basically the film feels like all the money went into the animation and not the script and plot. This is a shame because there is no solid foundation for the films' breath-taking visuals to rest on. There is just no meat to this movie. Take away the visual side and you have a completely un-imaginative film that teaches the viewer nothing and elicits zero emotional response.
Gods and Generals (2003)
Ted Turner's Halloween Party 2001
All I should have to tell you about this film is that Ted Turner plays George Patton's grandfather. If that doesn't raise some flags I don't know what would. The problems this film has are myriad. For one, all the foot soldiers are old men who are so obviously re-enacters that the action scenes have no weight. I don't recall seeing one fit, young man among the foot soldiers. When a group of people who are obviously senior citizens are "Charging" (more like hobbling) into the breach well...let's just say it doesn't float. Because of a lackluster, sappy, script and horrible editing, this film wastes an absolutely top notch performance by Stephen Lang as Stonewall Jackson. As a historian I was constantly baffled by how little military strategy is a part of the film. Major engagements are quickly glossed over with little explanation. How you could make a movie about the greatest tactician of the War and not examine his strategies in depth is a mystery to me. This is just a Ted Turner vanity project that should have been made for TV. If you ask me, you're better off watching documentaries about the civil war.
Innocence (2004)
A Superior Anime Film
I am not a card carrying anime fan but I like the best of what all genres of film have to offer. Ghost 2 is a mesmerizing visual feast garnished with the best dialog I have ever witnessed in anime. The beauty of this movie is that it does not spoon-feed anything to the viewer. The plot is complicated but can be followed effortlessly. I saw a review that said the plot was murky. I don't understand why a viewer thinks they have to know everything about the plot. Does the director have to reveal all and make it easy to understand? Good art, in my opinion, is not easily understood. If it were easy to understand, it would require less thought. Less discoveries would be made about the artist and ourselves.
The makers of this film have proved that it is possible to make an intelligent film with action. I was entranced by the mood and tone of the film. I found myself wishing I was in the world I was watching on the screen. I wanted to be there with the characters and walk the dark streets with them. It is a detective story AND an exercise in Philosophy, which, though a strange pairing, works beautifully here. The main characters wander through a hauntingly beautiful and dark future world seeking knowledge of themselves while they do battle with the evil men of their future. The dialog is peppered with philosophical and literary references that span the length of history and are not confined to the Eastern schools. Our heroes are never melodramatic or cheesy while bouncing philosophical quotes off of each other. This movie is pure poetry while maintaining a sharp edge. Hard to pull off.
The Ghost in the Shell films are asking us, the viewers, a question. What is life? What are the differences between Man and Machine and what are the similarities? Where does meaning in our lives come from? Are we human because we feel, or are we more human when we sacrifice our feelings for the greater good? Which is superior? Man or machine? The fact that the director is challenging us to answer these questions for ourselves shows the mark of a true artist. Throw in the absolutely gorgeous visual side to the film, and its' mind-blowing action scenes, and you have a masterpiece of thought provoking entertainment. I would highly recommend only watching this at night or on a rainy day as it can only lend to the captivating mood of this movie. Quite simply it is one of the finest films I have ever seen- anime or otherwise.
Punisher: War Zone (2008)
An absolute embarrassment to the medium of film. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.
Let me say that I am not a snooty film buff and that I love mindless action movies. That being said, I cannot believe how awful this movie was. I kept looking for some reason-any- to like this movie and I found not one thing. I'll break it down-
Script: Laughable; Seems to have been written by a third grader
Acting: Some of the worst I have ever seen. Further insult is added given that there are some great actors in this film. Dom West, Ray Stevenson and Doug Hutchinson are normally excellent, but in this one, all 3 of them bring screen acting to a new low. Dash Mihok should quit acting forever out of pure guilt for his performance. All of the characters that have accents (and there are many) perform so badly that I found myself laughing at how preposterous the accents sounded. A black guy with an Irish accent? WTF? Oh and Julie Benz was just terrible.
Direction: If I invested in this film and the director screened this for me I would punch him in the face. Sloppy, awkward, amateurish and clichéd-the directing is like the script- seemingly performed by a 3rd grader. I can't believe this movie got decent distribution. This is straight to video material all the way.
Effects/Action: I thought that at the very least I would enjoy seeing Ray pop caps in people's asses but every action scene in the film has been done before. Most are lifted shot for shot from other movies. The action felt tired, predictable and un-imaginative. Every cliché you could possibly think of is on display here.
In all, I just remember feeling embarrassed for the medium of film, Comic Book Movies, the actors, and the Punisher himself. Everyone involved in this film should be punished!!!!
Sorry I couldn't resist
Apocalypto (2006)
One of the biggest Oscar snubs of all time
I'm not here to debate whether Mel Gibson is a good person or not. I am here to discuss his work. As an artist and as a film maker Mr. Gibson has to be given the credit he deserves. Apocalypto is a poetic and unrelenting historical epic that deserved at least a Best Picture or Best Director nomination. How the academy could reward Scorsese for doing a mediocre film about a tired and overdone genre (The Departed) is beyond me. Apocalypto is the only film of its' kind ever made. The only thing the academy could hold against Apocalypto is that there are a lot of action and chase scenes. Yet, Gladiator won best picture six years earlier and contained much of the same. If the academy was punishing Mel for his ridiculous antics and anti-semitic tirades I can't blame them, but why punish all the actors, set designers, writers, costume designers and cinematographers who brought the Civilization of the Maya to life before our very eyes?
This film, while touching many genres-historical, action, family drama, revenge fantasy, love story, political thriller and social commentary-is top notch on every level of production. Special mention should be made of the films' mind-blowing sets and costumes. The re- creation of the Mayan sacrificial temples and the scenes where we witness a massive public ritual are absolutely unforgettable. Relying on real sets and using minimal CGI, Apocolypto achieves its' mission-which is to fully immerse us in the pre-Columbian world of the Americas.
The cast of Apocalypto-from top to bottom does outstanding work. Particularly Rudy Youngblood, the main character, and Raoul Trujillo, the absolutely terrifying Mayan war party Commander (and one of the great all-time screen villains). But it is important to realize that this is an ensemble piece, and the entire cast deserves immense credit.
This is one of the best films ever made quite simply. This is the very best of Mel Gibson, on par with Braveheart, but to me, even more impressive given the subject matter and the new ground broken by this film.
WALL·E (2008)
Citizen Kane? Gone with the Wind? This movie destroys them all!
This might be be the best movie ever made. I will leave this question to posterity. I am a meat and potatoes eating, red blooded American male who loves mindless action movies and scantily clad women in my films. I am average Joe America to a "T". I love Schwarzenegger, Willis, Stallone, Eastwood, etc. Let me tell you that I haven't cried during a movie in my life.......until I saw Wall E. If any movie ever had its' heart in the right place, it is this one.
It is so sad to me that a a hunk of nuts and bolts (Wall E) could draw more emotion from me than any other actual human actor that I wonder why I ever thought Tom Hanks was a great thespian. I cried like a baby throughout this film and my girlfriend had to hold my hand so I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown. Of course, she was in tears also. Maybe it tells us how low we have sunk as a species when a machine has more humanity and heart than we do. God bless the people who made this film for reminding us all of why we have a divine spark within us.
Forget about the fact that the graphics and animation are first rate-this movie is universally meaningful- which is more than I can say for every other movie I have seen. Don't go on living without seeing Wall E. Especially now, when we all need to be reminded of what is most important in life-companionship and love. Eleven out of Ten stars. Trust me.
Pistol Whipped (2008)
I contemplated suicide upon viewing this "movie"
Whatever you do, do not waste a single minute of your life on this one. Why a great actor like Lance Henriksen is in this I will never understand. Oh yeah, the money. But is this the best money Lance can make? There has to be a vehicle with a tiny bit of class that would pay Lance the same amount. Shameful. Absolutely shameful. Segal looks like a beached whale. His range is non-existent. Has he ever taken an acting class? Segal should kick my ass for watching this turkey. What a waste of precious time on this earth. I will never get it back. I am scrubbing my eyes with an alcohol dipped toothbrush but no matter how hard I scrub it just doesn't take away my shame.
Licence to Kill (1989)
Extremely underrated
I have never quite understood why Timothy Dalton gets no respect for his two entries into the Bond franchise. Perhaps it is because he chose a much more serious and darker portrayal of Bond, which, ironically, is exactly what Dan Craig has done with his portrayal, and it has been received quite well. While Dalton is not the best Bond per se, this film in particular is a top five Bond film and I will tell you why. First, this film showcases perhaps the best turn by a Bond villain to date-Robert Davi as the ruthless South American drug-lord Franz Sanchez. He is vicious, calculating and suave-everything a Bond villain should be. The satisfaction the viewer feels at his downfall is genuine, owing greatly to Davi's strengths as a heavy, combined with some fantastically written dialogue for him. Secondly, the direction of John Glen is superb here, never letting up on the action for too long, while cooking up a well plotted revenge story with well drawn characters. Surprisingly, while Dalton's portrayal of Bond is dark, the film has some moments that are quite funny. Wayne Newton, an excellent choice of casting by the producers, is hilariously sleazy as the "spiritual leader" of a "meditation church" that fronts for Sanchez' drug operations.
Of course, no Bond film can be complete without great Bond girls, and here we have two of the best-the beautiful Carey Lowell and the ravishing Talisa Soto. License to Kill is by far Carey Lowell's best work, as she portrays the tough as nails yet gorgeous Ms. Bouvier, a former chopper pilot and CIA operative. Benicio Del Toro, in an early role, brilliantly plays Davi's psychotic right hand man, giving us a preview of his greatness to come. Everett McGill and Anthony Zerbe give nice turns as supporting players as well, rounding out a strong ensemble cast.
Lastly, there is Dalton, who smolders as an extremely angry Bond who is on the war path. American audiences are probably ignorant to the fact that he is the only Bond actor to come from a rich Shakespearean tradition, making him the most well schooled actor to play Bond. He matches Davi's ruthlessness pound for pound, and he carries out his revenge with ferocious efficiency. No longer held to the rules and protocol of MI6 as he is a rogue agent, Bond is a one man army that answers to no one, which makes him even more dangerous than he already is.
This film should be right up there with the best in the Bond franchise, a great ride from beginning to end.
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Surprisingly the best of it's genre. Seriously.
Conan the Barbarian is probably the last film people think of when trying determine the best Sword and Sorcery movie, but by God it should be right up there with LOTR, Willow, and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It is in many ways, believe it or not, more satisfying and entertaining than any of those other films and has a much harder edge. Give John Milius some credit for creating a movie that actually feels and looks like it happened thousands of years ago in a dark, mystic, past. The strongest asset this film has are the Villains, played wonderfully by the immortal James Earl Jones, Sven Thorsen, and ex NFL lineman Ben Davidson. These bad muthas crush anyone in their path and have a stranglehold on their world which they re-inforce through sorcery and terror. Conan is also a revenge fantasy movie and one of the best, as we see our hero ruthlessly pursuing his Clan's murderers. Another bright spot is Sandahl Bergman, who plays Valeria, a sword wielding badass who joins Conan on his path to revenge. One of the strongest female characters in any film, Bergman makes Angelina Jolie look laughable as today's top female action star. Surprisingly, this film does not draw much specific material from Robert Howard's Conan stories, yet it somehow stays true to the source. A difficult task and one that is done well by Milius and screen writer Oliver Stone. Lastly there is Arnold, who fills Conan's shoes admirably, though his lines can be counted on one hand. One of the few contradictions to the source material is that in the stories, Conan is actually quite intelligent and nimble in conversation. In the film, (most likely due to Arnold's inexperience at this time) Conan says very little, and accomplishes more through his brute strength than through guile. Yet, once again it stays true to the character somehow. I would recommend this film to anyone that likes to be teleported to another time and place when they see a movie, which is what you get here. Filmed in Spain, the cinematography is gorgeous and the set-pieces are mind blowing. It is such a shame that the sequel, Conan the destroyer, is so terrible. Otherwise this movie would get a lot more attention as well as the credit it deserves for being a superbly entertaining and well made film.
The Thing (1982)
Possibly the best remake ever
The Thing is a truly terrifying movie that holds up extremely well over the years due to the incredibly innovative work of FX man Rob Bottin. Bottin proves in this film that great prosthetics, puppetry, and automation are superior to CGI in terms of producing profound horror for the viewers. There are so many moments in this film that will leave your jaws on the floor even after the 4th, 5th, and 6th viewing. Complementing Bottin's stellar effects work is a strong cast, masterful editing, and superb, suspenseful directing by John Carpenter. While the movie is definitely a horror film, it delightfully morphs, at times, into a great "whodunnit" murder mystery with many shocking twists. The erosion of trust between the main characters and the chaos this creates is pulled off wonderfully by Carpenter. Throw in a super creepy score, a great opening and closing sequence and you've got a horror classic. Look for some solid character acting from the great Keith David and Wilford Brimley, as well as a gritty, dark turn from Kurt Russell as the lead. The Thing is a bona-fide top ten all time horror film from a master (Carpenter) at the top of his game. Do not miss!!!
Planet of the Apes (1968)
A Late Sixties Masterpiece
Where do I begin? An outstanding cast featuring American and British heavyweights, the best prosthetic make up ever achieved, a gripping, engaging plot, an unbelievably clever script, beautiful sets and set-pieces, and perhaps the greatest twist ending of all time? Those are just a few things that come to mind when I think of this film. This film is first and foremost, a thinking person's movie. Ironically, it was a huge hit with kids because of the fantasy/action aspect of the film. Make no mistake though, this an adult film dealing with serious, philosophical and political issues which are still relevant today. This movie challenges the viewer's perception of reality and man's place in the universe in a way that no other film ever has. Charlton Heston gives by far the most under-appreciated performance of his career, giving us a vital, living, breathing, bleeding character who is impossible not to sympathize with. As Heston wanders further into this brave new world I found myself wishing I was him, despite the horrors he encounters. The viewer feels every ounce of pain that Taylor, played by Heston, feels. It is a cathartic cinematic experience that is not to be missed. Franklin Shaffner, the director, deserves to be counted among the all-time greats for this movie alone, but throw in "Patton", which he also directed, and it is clear he was a singular talent. I could honestly go on forever about how thoroughly engrossing this movie is, but I won't here. Just know that this movie represents the best that Hollywood has to offer-intelligent script, superb acting, thrilling action, masterful editing, an unforgettable score and great plot twists. Planet of the Apes is in my top 3 all time films and still holds up incredibly well almost forty years later.