The Birdcage (1996)
Dan Futterman: Val Goldman
Photos
Quotes
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Val : [about his marriage] Is it all right, Dad?
Armand : Does it matter?
Val : Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.
Armand : I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.
Val : Okay, if that's how you feel.
Armand : I do.
Val : Fine.
[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]
Val : Goodbye, Pop.
Armand : Goodbye, son.
[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away]
Armand : Oh, come here!
[pulls him into a hug]
Armand : You little pisher, you called my bluff!
Val : Yeah, but it was good, though.
Armand : Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.
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Val : Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.
Agador : [In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice] Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.
[blows out match]
Agador : I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.
Val : Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?
Agador : [In real voice] Okay.
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Armand : First off, you're only twenty.
Val : Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...
Armand : Oh, please.
Val : No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.
Armand : Stop flattering me, it's cheap.
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Val : I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.
Armand : Oh, God...
Val : I'm getting married.
Armand : Oh...
[face-palms]
Val : I didn't want to tell you over the phone...
Armand : Mmm.
Val : It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...
[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]
Val : Uh... are you upset?
Armand : [nods] But let me tell you why.
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Val : My first day at Edison Park, you remember what you told me?
Armand : No.
Val : You said if Miss Donovan asks me what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.
Armand : Well, you were a baby. And Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt. It's different now. You're a man.
Val : I can still get hurt.
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Val : I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.