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Reviews
Holy Spider (2022)
Mostly Great, Let Down By One Creative Choice
The direction and cinematography are virtuosic. Shot in a quasi-documentary style, this is a fascinating and immersive study of a real-life sociopath and the confusion left in his wake. With one notable exception the performances are top-notch, the story is compelling and the killings are portrayed with a horrifying casual brutality.
Unfortunately the one lousy performance/character is also the main character - a fictional plucky journalist who involves herself in the investigation. I think she's supposed to be strident and indefatigable but she comes off as abrasive and obnoxious. No doubt she's the personification of the filmmakers' indictment of societal misogyny and theocratic corruption, but these ideas could've been conveyed in a much more subtle way. It doesn't help that the lead actress portrays her as a pugnacious jerk from the outset to the finale.
Pretty Woman (1990)
Aileen Wuornos/Patrick Bateman Meet Cute
Julia Roberts is a down-on-her-luck streetwalker just trying to score her next fix in the big city. Richard Gere is a well-dressed business tycoon prowling the red light district in a top-end luxury car. Will Julia shoot Richard and sell his fancy car to a chop shop for fentanyl? Or will Richard bisect Julia with a chainsaw as she flees in panic from his sadistic dungeon? One thing's for sure: sparks (and gore) will fly when these two psychos cross paths in ... Pretty Woman.
But seriously, IF you can get past the inanity of the premise this is one of the most charming, heartwarming and iconic romantic comedies ever made. Suspend disbelief and enjoy it.
Cold Pursuit (2019)
Good Concept, Underwhelming Execution
This is touted as a comedy revenge action movie. There's certainly some dark humor, especially early on. But as the story progresses it devolves into a straight revenge action movie - and not a particularly good one - with a few comedic flourishes. It's not either sardonic or over-the-top enough to be really funny but it's also not gritty, fast-paced or high-octane enough to be entirely rewarding as an action movie. Everything feels relatively low stakes. Liam Neeson plays a less skillful version of his character from Taken, the villains are quirky caricatures and co-lead Laura Dern does nothing useful whatsoever. This isn't a bad movie so much as an underwhelming one insofar as the concept almost certainly could have been done better.
Hit Man (2023)
Not As Clever As It Thinks It Is
The premise is very good: a mashup of romcom and noirish thriller in the vein of Notting Hill meets Double Indemnity. It should provide all sorts of setups for dark comedy and the means to upend both genres. Unfortunately this movie skews too far in the direction of romcom. There's a funny prelude in which Glen Powell showcases his comedic chops under the guise of various personas. After that the the movie becomes an extended one-note joke in which the gag is simply that it's a romcom with horrible people as the protagonists. The idea wears out its welcome long before the movie ends and otherwise not a whole lot happens.
The Omen (2006)
Underwhelming Remake
Slicker, glossier and yet less engaging than the 1976 original, it's more or less a beat-for-beat remake. There's something less personal - and therefore less frightening - about this version. Leiv Schriber does a decent job in the lead role and David Thewlis's investigative journalist character is decidedly more sympathetic; conversely Julia Stiles is lost playing a mother who begins to realize there's something very wrong with her presumed son. She's unsympathetic from the outset and as a result her unraveling barely raises a shrug. Mia Farrow, Pete Postlewaithe and Michael Gambon appear in supporting roles without making much of an impression. Overall this feels like a step down from the original despite much better cinematography and effects.
The First Omen (2024)
Boring
Despite an impressive supporting cast and some decent horror imagery, this movie fails to draw you in or give you any reason to invest in the story. As a result it fails to hold your attention. There are long stretches of the movie in which nothing much seems to happen. I guess they were going for a slow burn type of thing, but again there's no immersion or reason to care. Since this is a prequel we already know more or less what's going to happen. But the premise still had potential, it just wasn't implemented in a very interesting or engaging way. The ending seems to be setting up a sequel to take place after the events of The Omen that probably won't happen; but which seems like it would have made for a much more interesting and original story had the filmmakers reduced the entirety of this movie to a brief prelude and focused on it instead.
Fallout (2024)
Quirky Fun
Fallout seemlessly blends a variety of genres and styles including comedy, mystery, post-apocalyptic survival, conspiracy, retro future and horror. The comedy elements are omnipresent; even the scenes of violence and gore have a hyperbolic cheekiness. The trio of primary characters with vastly different backgrounds, experiences and objectives are all relatable; in particular Walton Goggins steals the second half of the season as a Hollywood actor turned irradiated bounty hunter. If there's a major downside to the series it's that the conspiracy that drives the plot is utter nonsense. But that's a fairly minor issue in the scheme of things. Overall Season 1 is quirky, fun and compelling.
Sous la Seine (2024)
Highly Enjoyable B-Movie Camp
In the north Pacific a mutated 7-meter mako shark develops a taste for Frenchmen and decides to take a gastronomy tour of Paris. Stock protagonist with a tragic back story gets called into investigate but the situation is complicated by political considerations involving an international triathlon and some very stupid radical environmentalists who will have you rooting for the shark.
This movie takes itself more seriously than it should in places, but it's offset by the ludicrous premise and some gleefully over-the-top scenes of bloody shark mayhem. Overall it's a slick and entertaining b-movie that works well as tongue-in-cheek camp.
Pearl (2022)
Inconsistent Character Study of a Killer
Mia Goth delivers an impressive but somewhat misguided performance as the title character in this origin story for the main antagonist of Ti West's X. The movie is reasonably entertaining and intermittently funny. The imagery is sometimes gross; but the movie is never scary or horrifying because it fails to provide a convincing explanation for Pearl's pathology. Goth switches from "aw shucks" naive to calculating to deranged. Is she a cunning psychopath motivated by narcissism, envy and rage? Or is she an otherwise decent person spiraling into psychotic delusions? She seems to be neither and both at any given moment. Properly explored, either option would be chilling; but muddling them together make for a frustratingly inconsistent character. She's unpredictable but she's not realistic enough to be compelling.
The Acolyte (2024)
What A Streaming Pile of Content
It's corporatized big-budget streaming content. No more, no less. The first two episodes looked pretty good and they decently recaptured the Star Wars aesthetic. Performances were generally fine; the writing was a bit lackluster but it wasn't so terrible as to be distracting most of the time. The whole thing was just bland and sterile. No excitement, no investment; just cardboard characters going through the motions while the visuals and score try to make you care.
So far it isn't the worst thing Disney has done to this once-beloved IP from either a lore or a story/production standpoint. But it also doesn't seem like it'll be good enough to win back apathetic former fans or reverse Star Wars' downward trend in perceived quality and cultural relevance.
When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Insultingly Awful
This movie isn't just bad. It's an intentional middle finger in the eye of anyone who wasted hard-earned money and/or valuable time to watch this dreck. Evidently (according to the promotional materials) it's an attempt to extend the 23-minute prelude to a much better movie into a 90-minute feature. Mission accomplished, at least insofar as they stretched it to 90 minutes in which absolutely nothing interesting happens for the first 77 minutes. It's all padding and filler. The lead actress is atrocious, there are misdirections so lazy they don't even qualify as red herrings, and nothing makes any sense if you spend more than zero seconds thinking about it. A shameful attempt to profit from the title of a half-forgotten - and infinitely more competent - old school slasher. 2/10 since at least it doesn't compound it's awfulness with overt pandering, unlike the latest Black Christmas abomination.
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
Only For The Nostalgic
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie when it came out, probably because I was the target demographic. At the time it helped define/solidify the "new wave" of teen horror that was kicked off by the Scream phenomenon: relatively well-developed protagonists and "realistic" antagonists, ie killers with explicable motivations who aren't supernatural and/or silent lumbering butchers.
In retrospect this movie has a certain campy charm but little else to recommend it. The mystery is underdeveloped. Of the four main protagonists two are good actors and two are not. The two good ones get killed off in the second act, meaning we have to spend the final third of the movie with a pair of wooden drips trying and failing to emote. Whereas the likes of Scream and (to a lesser extent) Urban Legend still hold up, this one is more of a nostalgic curiosity.
Urban Legend (1998)
Fun Throwback Slasher
Of all the late 1990s slashers that tried to capitalize on the success of Scream this is probably the best of the lot. There's a similar tongue-in-cheek tone. This movie isn't a spoof or a parody but it's not taking itself entirely seriously either. The premise - a serial killer whose crimes are inspired by urban legends - provides a basis for some inventive PG-13 kills. It even gets in a meta reference to the genuine mid-1990s urban legend about the "Noxzema girl," Rebecca Gayheart, who has a supporting role here. It certainly isn't some masterpiece; but it's fun, affable and a good deal more clever than it has any right to be.
Se7en (1995)
Often Imitated, Never Duplicated
Almost thirty years after it was released Se7en has been referenced, re-imanged and just plain ripped off to the point of parody. That's because it redefined a genre and set a template for the bleak, brutal serial killer thriller that persists to this day. But although there have been many imitators, the original remains far and away the best. Performances are excellent. David Fincher's direction stays just on the right side of the line between artsy plausibility and nihilistic hyperbole. The killer's plan, and the intensity of the final act, have yet to be equalled. I defy anyone watching this movie for the first time (without knowing spoilers) not to be on the edge of their seat and sick with anxiety over the final 20 minutes or so. Rightly regarded as a masterpiece. This is a 10/10 and I would've rated it as such, but I think Jonathan Doe would much prefer seven stars.
Tarot (2024)
Formulaic and Boring
Another cliched and low-effort PG-13 "horror" movie finds a group of college friends partying at a creepy Airbnb. That's where they find an ancient Ouaji board. Or was it a spell book? No wait, this time it was a tarot deck. They decide to use it despite the misgivings of the only character who knows the potential dangers. You know what happens next, since this movie follows the formula to the letter. This idea has been so overdone that The Cabin In The Woods mocked it a decade ago; but Hollywood just keeps churning out variations. The jump scares are tepid, the performances are stilted and the dialogue is predictably lazy.
Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie (2017)
Well, that was weird
Given the opening scene you might get the impression that this is a middle chapter in a long-running comedic mystery series. But it's a standalone feature and if they were planning to make more it's pretty easy to see why they didn't.
I have to wonder whether putting "Netflix" in the title was subtle comedic acknowledgement of (intentional?) low quality. Regrdless there isn't enough comedy, subtle or otherwise, to make this more than occasionally mildly amusing. Conversely the movie's few attempts at intrigue and pathos are undercut by silly supporting characters and nonsensical situations. The lack of any mystery whatsoever seems to be setting up the premise as a wacky spoof in the mold of The Naked Gun but this movie lacks the necessary energy and commitment to zaniness. The end result is a bland mishmash of genres and ideas that never gets off the ground.
Gojira -1.0 (2023)
Compelling Characters Elevate a This GCI Monster Movie
In the closing days of WWII a kamikazee pilot shirks his mission and returns home in disgrace. Meanwhile Godzilla is running around doing his typical Godzilla stuff, stomping buildings and sinking warships and whatnot. The effects are impressive given the relatively low budget, although they're not as good as in the recent Hollywood Godzilla movies. What are much better here, however, are the story and characters. The story is about more than just one man's shot at redemption and there's an interesting interplay between the celebration and indictment of militarism. You end up actually caring about the characters and it feels like there are actual stakes for them. It's overall a surprisingly satisfying movie in a genre that's usually just empty spectacle.
The Silencing (2020)
Frustratingly Inconsistent
In remote Minnesota an ex-trapper runs a wildlife sanctuary to honor his missing daughter. But the sanctuary is also the hunting ground of a camoflaged serial killer. In the early going the movie does a good job of setting up a tense and brooding atmosphere, as well as characterizing its protagonists as hardened and grizzled. There are several intense, brief scenes of the killer and ex-trapper matching wits and skills. Unfortunately at about the midway point there's a character reversal that is surprising but also unearned and undercooked. From that point the movie spirals into increasing silliness to the point that very little in the latter half makes logical sense.
Kolory zla. Czerwien (2024)
Colors of Evil: Red (Herring)
It's a nicely-crafted Polish serial killer thriller, similar in tone and premise to any number of relatively recent Scandi-noir procedurals. The pace is deliberate and it's used effectively to develop the characters; a particular victim and her family get lots of screen time but the movie doesn't get bogged down in pathos. There's nothing particularly surprising in the story but it's a well-executed take on a familiar formula with good performances, comprehensible character motivations and some deft flourishes. Overall this is nothing spectacular but it's a solid effort that hits the right notes and concludes in a satisfying way.
The Postcard Killings (2020)
Decent Serial Killer Procedural
The Postcard Killings is a workmanlike serial killer procedural. There's nothing especially spectacular here but there's also nothing that's glaringly bad. It's not a mystery insofar as we know who's responsible for the killings from virtually the first scene despite an abortive red herring; but the movie still does a nice job of maintaining tension as various investigative agencies try to close the net. The characters and their motivations generally make sense, the killings are fittingly outlandish and the resolution is apt even if not surprising.
I have a pet peeve about the Hollywood trope of American law enforcement officers abroad being portrayed as pugnacious bull-in-a-china-shop jerks to their accommodating but incompetent foreign counterparts and this movie plays into that trope a bit. But it's a minor gripe. Overall this is a decent and somewhat underrated movie that hits all the expected beats with becoming entirely predictable.
Tires (2024)
Refreshing Straightforward Comedy
It's a blue collar version of The Office in which the goofy employees of a tire store get into all kinds of wacky shenanigans at work. It's a lot more lowbrow, outrageous and unrealistic than The Office but it's very funny in its own way. The small cast is affable and they play off each other well, particularly Steve Gerber as a well-meaning but incompetent manager as Shane Gillis as his lazy, insubordinate and domineering cousin/employee. There's nothing particularly original here but it's well done. Some of the gags will probably offend various sensibilities but the show doesn't have an obvious agenda beyond trying to make you laugh. It's refreshing.
Super 8 (2011)
A Lackluster Remix of Spielberg Classics
Call it a homage if you want. This nostalgia-bait retrospective remixes the Steve Spielberg classics of the late 1970s and 1980s, including The Goonies, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E. T., and Jaws. The look and feel of the movie, at least in the early going, successfully recapture Spielberg's classic style.
The problem is that Super 8 muddles its sources without much apparent thought or care. The result is a movie that doesn't seem to know what it wants to be other than an exercise in throwback window-dressing. The character interactions are inauthentic. The finale is contrived and inane.
Doctor Who (2023)
Dr. What Even Is This?
"Watch Dr. Who," they said. "It's a British institution," they said. Yeah well then it must be one of the bad British institutions, like pudding made of meat or quartering troops in someone's house.
I guess it's supposed to be a kid's show but the tone and subject matter are all over the place. There's a strange mix of goofy camp and self-seriousness. The best analogy I can make is if someone took one of scripts for the 1960s Batman television show and shot and scored it like a legitimate crime thriller.
Maybe things were different in the past but it's really difficult to believe this show supposedly has a devoted fanbase or widespread cultural relevance.
The Little Things (2021)
Grows Into an Interesting Thriller
The first act of this serial killer procedural/thriller is pretty bad. It seems like the screenwriter was trying to characterize his mismatched cops as noirish laconic tough guys; but they're so laconic that there's a confusing disconnect between their words and actions. Rami Maleck, in particular, seems unsure about what his character is supposed to be. Since Maleck is great in other things I assume this was a problem of writing or direction. Regardless things improve considerably once Jared Leto's sinister suspect shows up and all the characters and their motivations become gradually more comprehensible. Like the best of its genre this movie poses some interesting questions without proffering easy answers.
The Clovehitch Killer (2018)
Uneven Character Study of a Psychopath
The titular killer is closely modeled on Dennis Rader, the BTK killer, who led an ostensibly normal life as a family man and pillar of the community when he wasn't committing unspeakable acts of sadism and murder. There's no mystery and his identity is clear from the outset; but the movie still manages to sustain slow burning tension as it unravels his pathology and toys with just how far he'll go to keep his secrets. Unfortunately these chilling elements are ultimately undercut by the involvement of a couple of plucky teen amateur sleuths who try to take justice into their own hands. The finale ends up being contrived and reductive as a result.